How to Kill a Doctor
by Eleni C
Summary: My first fic! A series of unrelated parady/humor oneshots containing the 10th and 11th doctors. Rated T for mild swearing, suggestive adult situations, and violence. Beta reader: Hinn-Raven. Please R&R!
1. When Fangirls Attack

**A/N**: Greetings, fellow Whovians. (Ha! I've always wanted to say that!) At any rate, I'm Eleni C and this is my first fanfiction EVER, so I'm not sure how it turned out. Luckily, I have the brave and beautiful Hinn-Raven as my beta, so it can't be TOO terrible...

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Doctor Who. You have no idea how many times I've dreamed I have though ...

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**Chapter One: When Fangirls Attack**

The TARDIS landed in a small street in a small town that no one had ever heard of. Normally, this would not have been anything of significant. Normally the Doctor just would have come in, done what he had come to do, only to discover that something was wrong, solve it, then take off in the TARDIS.

But, he'd been having some troubles lately… and things were only about to get worse.

The Doctor backed out of the TARDIS talking to Rory and Amy at a million miles an hour.

"So you see, the trans-dimensional control unit overheated and I need parts. Plus, I put my screwdriver through the TARDIS wash again, and she isn't exactly in the best mood to cooperate at the moment…"

Amy interrupted him.

"I'm not in Rio because you forgot to empty your pockets? Where the bloody hell are we anyway?"

The Doctor flinched and turned around. An angry Amy was never fun. However, the current situation was even more pressing.

The Doctor stared across the street, taking in a small poster that hung in the corner of a shop. He paled significantly. He had over-shot. _Way_ over shot.

"Amy, Rory, get back in the TARDIS. We need to leave, now."

"Why?" asked Amy, still annoyed at the lack of sun and sand. "This looks like Earth to me."

"You don't understand! This is a parallel universe! I've been here once before. This appears to be rural America, so we're safe for a bit, but we have to get out of here!"

"Doctor!" Amy shouted "Tell us why being in America is a GOOD thing! Well, never mind, this is an alternate universe…"

The Doctor took a deep breath. "Amy, Rory, in this world, we're characters on a telly show."

"You mean ..." Rory trailed off, praying he was mistaking very, very badly.

"Yup. We have (dun dun _dun_) fangirls."

At this moment, a horde of screaming girls rounded the corner.

"You were right Sonja! It really is him!" one girl gasped. The one called Sonja walked to the Doctor with an outstretched trembling hand and touched him. A happy grin spread across her face as she collapsed. Another girl approached Rory.

"Bitch! Amy belongs with the Doctor, not you pony-tailed freak! Why can't you just go die in a hole?" screamed the girl in question. She was promptly smacked by yet another girl, one who apparently liked Rory.

"How did she know about the ponytail?" murmured Rory, shocked.

"We're on television, Rory. They know everything about us."

"Hey, at least he didn't have River Song with him!" pointed out a curly-haired girl with glasses as she knelt down to help Sonja up.

"I don't care!" yelled the girl who apparently seemed to think Amy (who was cowering behind the TARDIS, thankful to be forgotten) belonged with the Doctor, "He should have dumped him into the Time Vortex, or fed to the Vashta Nerada!"

"Shut up you guys! Rory dies soon enough. Let them enjoy the time they- oops!" yet another fangirl yelled before she covered her mouth. "Sorry guys, you haven't seen that episode yet."

Rory, white-faced retreated to the TARDIS before they let any more spoilers slip. After the spoiler-girl was sent to go sit in a corner, the rest bombarded the Doctor with questions.

"Why did you fall in love with Rose instead of Martha? Rose is SO stupid!" screamed a purple haired girl.

"Hey!" yelled the Doctor, offended, but he was cut off by the next few questions.

"Why don't you have Jack with? I wanted to meet Jack!" yelled another, this one carrying a magazine labeled _Doctor Who, the Complete Story._

"Um…"

"Ooh! It really is bigger on the inside!" yelled a brunette girl, pushing open the door and running toward the consol.

"It's _soooo_ big," sang the Sonja girl, spinning around, taking in the full glory of the time machine.

"That's what she said!" yelled a girl with straight brown hair as she dragged the Doctor into the TARDIS with her. Her obsession, unlike the other's, ran in the family (she had actually been named after a companion.)

"Leela!" screamed every single person within vicinity, including those who had no clue of the dramatic turn of the universe that was going on. It was just a bad habit.

"Where?" the Doctor said, half expecting to see his old friend to turn up, K-9 trailing behind her. He wouldn't have put it behind this crazy world, not after the last time he'd visited. He did _not _want to think about that time…

Meanwhile, the spoiler-girl had crept back from her corner to examine the TARDIS, and tiptoed past her friends in order to examine the wide array of thingamabobs (she seemed fascinated with the typewriter). "What does this button do?"She demanded eagerly, pointing to a large red button.

"Hey!" screamed the brunette, (the one who had sent the spoiler girl into the corner in the first place) "I told you to stay in the-"

Giggling, the spoiler-girl pressed the big, threatening button.

Then the TARDIS exploded and everyone died. Needless to say, the show was cancelled.

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**A/N: **So … watcha think? Please review! I plan on making this a series of comedy one-shots, so new ideas are greatly appreciated. You can flame me if you like, but I'll cry for days, so PLEASE make it constructive criticism. I'd like to give a huge thank you to my nerdy friends who inspired this story/ keep me sane in this small town. Especially Sonja, Leela, Fiona, Sarah, Hinn-Raven (in real life she actually did spoil Rory's death for me), Anna, Fantasylover42, and StarExplorer623. Let it be noted that we aren't quite this insane, but it's not too far off the mark … XD


	2. Curiosity Killed the Cat

**A/N: **So this is a 10/Master what if fic. Pretty much, I'm just saying what would happen if Season 3 had ended the way many a Master fan-girl had hoped. Nevertheless, I absolutely LOVE most fics of this plot which I've read. I'm a very self-contradicting person. Oh, by the way, Hinn-Raven and I couldn't come up with a better chapter name, so if you can think of one, we'll probably change it to think. At any rate, onwards and forwards. Oh, and Hinn-Raven, I always read what you've written! Well, except for your stories, but that's cuz' they're Teen Titans.

**Warning:** Minor slash. Not serious in any way shape or form, but for all you uber homophobic folk out there, this chapter is not for you. Actually, come to think of it, the entire show might not have been your best choice... XD

**Disclaimer: **since Eleni forgot to put one in, I guess it's my job. Sadly, neither of us own Doctor Who, which is probably a good thing actually, otherwise this would most likely become canon… well, thanks for reading! Hinn-Raven, beta-reader

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**Chapter Two: Curiosity Killed the Cat**

"Yes!"

The Doctor blinked. He'd honestly never expected the Master to agree to come with him. This was suspiciously out of character for him.

"OK!" the Doctor said brightly. "Even though you obviously have an ulterior motive which I have yet to discover, let's go!"

So the Master stood up and somehow managed not to regenerate because, let's face it, this body is way to shmexy to lose now. Martha and everyone else magically disappeared because who cares about those losers when there are cute Doctor/Master scenes to written (OMG SQUEEL!)? At any rate, the Master entered the TARDIS holding hands with the Doctor. The Doctor was positively beaming. The Master was not even bothering to attempt to hide that he was planning something evil. Something that just _might_ end in a lot of pain and possibly death for a lot of people, including the Doctor.

"So first we can go and watch Princess Vespa's wedding, and then we can go out to eat in this little café in Lucros…" the Doctor rambled, ignoring the evil smirk that was crawling up the Master's face.

The Master smiled and nodded in all the right places. He was actually checking out the TARDIS for anything remotely useful to his evil plans.

"And then we can go shopping, because by that time we'll be running low on Nutella, you know, I love Nutella, don't you? I just can't describe the taste: it's so…" The Doctor babbled on, oblivious to his old friend yanking various wires and buttons from the TARDIS console. And that he had snuck the psychic paper out of his coat after he had thrown aside. And that he had stolen someone's TARDIS key. (Either Martha's or Jack's no one really cares, since they're not important, even if Jack is OMG HOOOOTTTT!)

All of a sudden, the Doctor paused in the middle of his descriptions of how wonderful the chocolaty hazelnut paste was.

"Wait! This isn't right! What's going on? Why am I holding hands with HIM?"

"Because it's cute, so shut up and snog already!" declared a girlish voice from the heavens. Far away, somewhere very strange, a girl who had suddenly gained control of the canon world sat at her computer, grinning broadly as she commanded what was happening within the TARDIS.

"God?" asked the Doctor

"No, but I'm in charge here, so start snogging!" the crazy girl commanded. The Doctor was finding resisting this strange girl's orders oddly difficult. The Master on the other hand was completely unaffected as he's insane and all that jazz, but he need the sonic screwdriver for his villainous plot, so he pounced on the Doctor.

"Wait! Master! I'm straight! I think! I thought! No! Hold on! It's this odd female messing with our heads!" The Master ignored him. He'd already obtained a TARDIS key and the psychic paper; he just needed that damn screwdriver! The insane girl was cackling gleefully above as the story unfolded, unaware of the Master's less than innocent motives. But when he started feeling around in the Doctor's back pants pockets, and invisible force tossed them apart.

"Hey! No lemons in this fic, it's supposed to be rated T!" the voice said, annoyed, "Behave, Master! If I want a smexy scene, I'll bring in Captain Jack!"

The Master smiled guiltily. He was a _little_ bit surprised at this voice: she was very different from the ones he was used to. But he decided to just play along, and complete his evil scheme.

"I'm sorry O' Glorious One; it'll never happen when you're watching again," reassured the evil psychopath.

"Good," said the girl, gratified by her new title. She sat back, leaning into her comfy chair, giggling to herself as she continued to doodle an image of the Doctor and the Master in the middle of a kiss, completely ignoring several murder attempts, plus plots to take over the universe/galaxy/Gallifrey. In her mind, they looked hot together. That's all that mattered.

The Doctor huddled in a corner, forgotten. As he attempted to recover from the scarring event, the Master built a TARDIS self-destruct device. Then he hit the big red button and the TARDIS blew up with the Doctor inside. The fangirl/goddess/writer was not pleased. Unfortunately for the Master, he had forgotten that he would be trapped inside as well.

Good thing he had left that disciple group with orders on how to regenerate him.

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**A/N: **So, in case you hadn't picked up on it yet, each fic ends with the Doctor dying. No, the TARDIS will not explode ever time, that was a mere coincidence. At any rate, please review? *sad puppy face* or as K9 would say: 'implore, implore' :D Thanks to all who read/reviewed/added this fic to their favorites list etc. last time, especially 1 who got me started on Doctor Who. I LUV YOU ALL!

Eleni C


	3. Stilettos

A/N: Hey everyone! This chapter, I decided to do a 10/Donna story. Basically, Donna discovers Fanfiction, and, as they say, the rest is history. Everyone is supposed to be OOC so please don't just comment about that! This chapter is devoted to Sonja, who just got a fanfiction account, and is one of the nicest, sweetest girls you'll ever meet. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who in any way shape or form. Well, except for a tee-shirt that says Official Whovian.

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**Chapter Three- **Stilettos

"Oi!" said Donna unexpectedly. Well, it wasn't that unexpected, as that's pretty much all she says. _"Oi! My foot hurts!" "Oi! Where'd you put my purse?" "Oi! Stop shooting at us for killing your queen!"_

"What did I do this time?" asked the Doctor.

"Not you, dumbo! I'm talking to the computer!"

The Doctor realized that this was, in fact, completely normal behavior and that he'd been an imbecile for not realizing it earlier.

"So what did the computer do?" he inquired, flinching as she smacked his arm.

"Shut up and look you moron!" she screamed. The Doctor looked, attempting to ignore her various blows for his inadequacy in … well, everything. He didn't like what he saw. Donna had discovered … (dun dun dun) FANFICTION! And even worse, she had somehow, despite her inability to do anything semi-technological whatsoever even though she had worked for months as a temp, managed to reach the Doctor/Donna romance section!

"Oi! Who wrote this shit?" Donna attempted to stab the Doctor with her high heels to demonstrate her utter un-romantic feelings towards the time lord. "And why haven't you done something about it yet you useless worm?"

"I'm sorry Donna!" He cried. "If you stop trying to kill me, I'll take care of it!" She graciously put her shoes back on and allowed him to sit.

"Now smartass, I want this entire website taken down, every author who wrote anything remotely romantic about us personally punished, and a pair of stilettos, cuz' these shoes didn't stab you very effectively."

She then took out her whip and yelled at him to start working. The Doctor quickly disabled the unfortunate website. On an after though, he remembered to take down Deviant Art down as well before Donna discovered that whole can of worms.

_'I can hear her shrieking now,' _he thought. _'Oi! What the bloody hell is this? My bum is not that big!' _(A/N: I've never been on Deviant Art before and I really have no idea if this kind of stuff exists/is allowed on there. I normally would have done some research, but I wasn't really that anxious to find out…)_ 'At least she's not constantly throwing herself at me like the others. It's nice just to have a mate for once.' _And then she lashed out with her whip screaming that he wasn't working fast enough. Ah, true friendship.

When that was finished, the Doctor flew the TARDIS to the flat of the first author. He opened the door and stepped out to a forlorn scene. It was a barren wasteland of empty pizza boxes, beer cans, and dirty clothes. In the center of the mess was a desk with a computer. In front of the machine sat a disgustingly fat man in his boxers sobbing.

"My life's work, gone! Why have you forsaken me God? Wherever is my dearest FanFiction?"

"I can't hurt him Donna, he's helpless! Look at how said he is that we've shut down his favorite website." The Doctor implored.

"Fine," Donna relented. "I'll spare him if you'll call me Your Majesty."

The Doctor conceded, but was a little worried. There were so many stories left…

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139 visits later, the Doctor owed Her Supreme Godly Majestic Empress-Queen 18,000 pounds, 35 bottles of fine wine, 19 all expense paid vacations, six rock-concerts, and a foot massage, cuz' these new stilettos were _killing_ her feet.

"Done, Your Supreme Godly Majestic Empress-Queen." The Doctor panted, carrying her into the TARDIS via piggyback, another promise that he had made (this one to spare an annoying teenage girl with a bad case of acne.)

"Good, slave. You may now set me down." Donna said regally, getting off of the back of the skinny space-man.

As she dismounted, her shoes slipped through the grille of the TARDIS floor. She grabbed the Doctor's shoulder as she fell, pulling him to the ground with her. His head hit the floor with a sharp crack, and the concussion that resulted combined with his previous injuries from Donna eventually killed him. Her Supreme Godly Majestic Empress-Queen then discovered that he only had 15 quid in his wallet. Damn Time Lords.

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A/N: I've noticed in various Doctor/Donna fics I've chanced along (I dislike the shipping btw, they're just friends!) that Donna is portrayed as quiet, shy, and just generally very un-Donna-ish, so I made up for those fics in this one. XD I got the idea for how the Doctor dies after watching The Unicorn and the Wasp. When Donna is getting out of the TARDIS after she changed for the party, she was wearing heels, and they barely were wide enough to not slip through. So then I thought: what if she's worn stilettos? This was so much fun to write... Hopefully you enjoyed it was much as me, and so you'll leave a review (hint hint) XD

Hugs and kisses,

Eleni C


	4. Chapter 4

**Rose Tyler, a Name (and an IQ) Like a Flower**

**A/N:** Since this is a one-shot with 11 and Rose, I decided to change the quote "Amelia Pond, a name like a fairy tale" to a Rose version for the title. I suppose it is a bit harsh, but I just don't like Rose. She's fine at first, but then you realize that she's just stupid! Plus she gets in the way of a good 10/Martha relationship. *shoots glare a DW writers* THAT NEVER EXISTED BECAUSE OF ROSE! OK, I'm done ranting. As mentioned before, this is an 11/Rose fic. Let's just say that tastes changed as well as appearances post-regeneration… (Fish custard!) Set after Cold Blood.

**Disclaimer: Eleni is getting really bad at these. Anyways, Eleni does not own Doctor Who. Good thing too, otherwise Martha and the Doctor would have probably had an actual relationship, and Captain Jack would have been on set a lot longer. Probably would have kissed 10 for good measure a few times as well. (Eleni: I told you put one on though, Hinn, so I didn't COMPLETELY forget. And I doubt if Martha and 10 would have a relationship. It would most likely be a 10/Jack/Ianto threesome kind of thing :D)**

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Rose Tyler was crying. She'd blasted her way to another dimension, scoured the Earth to find the TARDIS and now, there was a strange man and woman inside.

"Where's my Doctor?" She bawled, thumb in her mouth. She had also, for good measure, located, and consumed the Doctor's super-secret stash of chocolate that he had kept hidden from Donna and Martha, and had even survived Amy. The Doctor stood in shock, a little angry over the loss of his sweets. He really hadn't thought anyone would find them, and he CERTAINLY hadn't thought that Rose Tyler of all people would. Since she was _supposed_ to be in another dimension.

"Ummmm, Rose?" He tentatively inquired.

"How do you know my name?" She sobbed. "What did you do with the Doctor?"

In the meantime, Amy was piecing things together. She'd been told about Rose, and unlike the Doctor, she wasn't having a panic attack.

"Oh just shut up!" Amy ordered. "That's the Doctor; he regenerated while you were gone. Jesus, how hard is it to put two and two together?"

Rose stopped crying and stood up. The possibility had never occurred to her that he might have regenerated while she was gone. And she never had been good at math.

"One, two, three…" she muttered under breath while counting her fingers, "Hold on, I've got this…"

"Wasn't she with you the _last_ time you regenerated?" muttered Amy to the very confused Doctor.

"Yes," he replied with a sigh.

"Oh! I've got it! It's seven!" Rose declared triumphantly, "But what does that have to do with anything?"

"I didn't mean it literally!" Amy said, but it was lost under Rose's mindless chatter.

"Oh Doctor! It's been so long since I've seen you! I do like this new body, but we need to get you into some decent clothes. A bowtie? Really? How could you let him do that?" The last remark was directed towards Amy with a disapproving frown, but before she could reply, Rose was off again. "What is she doing here anyway? Is she like, some kind of evil alien that you captured and are going to put in an intergarbagedumpal, I mean ginterilactic, I mean … space prison? And what's up with the TARDIS? There's something different about it, but I can't quite figure it out… oh I know! You got a typewriter! Why do you want one of those? They're SO old fashioned! It's not even retro!"

"ROSE!" The Doctor shouted. "Just shut up! Amy is my friend, and she's traveling with me, the TARDIS is completely different, typewriters are awesome, and bowties are cool! Why are you here anyway?"

"Oh." said Rose coldly. "I didn't realize you felt that way. I came back to travel with you, but I guess you found someone else."

"But what about other me?" the Doctor asked. Amy cocked her head to one side, confused. He'd never fully explained everything about the clone.

"Oh, him. Yeah, I got bored with him. It turns out that you actually didn't tell him how to grow a TARDIS off screen during the commercial break, (Darn writers,) so we had to stick around Earth. You're surprisingly boring once you can't take me places. I mean, the Taj Mahal? Seriously? He could've just taken me to Las Vegas, but no, we had to go somewhere educational! Anyway, I broke up with him after 2 months."

"What?" The Doctor exclaimed. "You broke up with me? Holy TARDIS, I would've gone insane if you'd left me by choice!"

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_In an Alternate Universe Far, Far Away_

_Suzie Derkins opened her eyes. Her last memory was of sitting down in the warm sunlight in a neighborhood park. But now, she was in a strange room, with what appeared to be huge paper mâché tentacles coming out of the floor and ceiling. There was a weird computer kind of thing in the center of the room, and standing in front of it was a man. He was wearing a blue suit and converse, and laughing maniacally. "Come on, Rose! We've got the universe to see!" He yelled at Suzie. Blonde-haired, hazel-eyed, Suzie Derkins, who happened to look a bit like Rose Tyler. Suzie then proceeded to stand up and walk out of the door into the park, much to the dismay of the man inside. She glanced back at the room she'd been imprisoned in, if you could even call her short stay that. The man was gazing at her with wild, pleading eyes. "Please don't go Rose." He whispered. And then a wrecking ball smashed through the wall of the abandoned, blue shed out of nowhere. _

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"Oh well. All that matters is that I'm here now, Doctor." Rose purred, shoving Amy away so she could stand closer to her one true love.

This made Amy mad. Very mad. So mad, in fact, that she pushed Rose back. Right out of the open door of the TARDIS, actually. After hitting a few buttons on the console that is.

"Nooooooooooooooo! Rose screamed, falling out of the TARDIS into the time vortex.

The Doctor tried to feel sad. Or mad. Or depressed. Or even guilty. Nope. Wasn't working. Instead, he was feeling a sense of relief. But before he got too absorbed into a detailed analysis of his feelings, he noticed that Amy was gone too.

"DOCTOR!" screamed Amelia Pond and it was then that he noticed that Rose had grabbed his new friend on the way out. Amy was dangling by one hand from the edge, inches away from certain death (or whatever happens when you fall into the vortex), with Rose holding onto her shoe.

"Your Converse are SO last year!" screamed Rose, ignoring the fact that 'her' Doctor had worn Converse like that when she traveled with him.

"Hang on, I'm coming!" he called, making his way towards his two companions. The TARDIS was tipping over, causing it to be a very slant-wards descent. He grabbed Amy's hand, trying to pull her up.

Unfortunately for the new trio, Rose's chocolate-eating had caused her to gain a few pounds. So many, in fact, that without Amy to keep a grip, and just the Doctor's shoes, they all fell into the Time Vortex. It was then that the Doctor was finally able to prove his theory that falling into the vortex _without_ any sort of protection ended with immediate disintegration with no chance of regeneration.

Turns out, he was right.

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**A/N: ** Thank you Hinn-Raven for writing the end to this chapter! I had writers block, so she had to re-write the end for me cuz' I had a super sucky ending *ashamed face*. Anyway, I'm going on vacation soon, so I probably won't be able to update for another 2 weeks or so. I'll post something as soon as I get back, though, I pinky promise. Review?

xoxo

Eleni C


	5. Marissa Susan part 1

**The Tragically Short and Incredibly Shallow Life of Marissa Susan**

**A/N:** I find Mary Sues annoyingly amusing. Though they're much rarer in Dr. Who than, say, Harry Potter, they still give OC's a bad name. For this reason that's not really a reason, I've decided to do a 2 shot on a typical Mary Sue. I received a lot of inspiration for this from the horrible fic, My Immortal (http:/ myimmortalrehost .webs. com/chapters ): a plot less string of misspelled words about a vampire named Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way. Or as the author more often spells it, Enoby. Enoby, this one is for you.

**Disclaimer:** Ha-ha Hinn! I remembered! I don't own Doctor Who, sadly. If I did, I'd be able to see the season finale _before_ it came out in Britain instead of _after_ it's released in America. That's right. I still haven't seen The Big Bang. In fact, I haven't even seen The Lodger yet. *sobs* Why must life be so cruel?

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Hi! My name is Marissa Susan, but my friends call me Mary Sue for short. ;) [1] I'm medium height with looooong blonde hair that cascades down my back like a waterfall. Everyone says that my eyes are purple, but I prefer to think of them as a lavender-violet. I'm skinny and super-fashionable. Right now I'm wearing a pink jean mini-skirt with a low-cut sparkly pink strapless tank top. My purse is hot pink and I'm wearing 6 inch high heels that are pink too. My earrings are HUGE pink diamonds, but beneath my cute outfit and super-white smile, I have a tragic past. [2]

My mother died giving birth to me, and my dad died of grief a few days later. Then I had to go and live with my evil aunt Gertrude where I was forced to make my bed every day. It's really hard to talk about cuz' I just moved out a few years ago.

Anyway, I'm just hanging out today, when all of a sudden, a strange blue box appears out of nowhere and I'm all like HOMG where the fuck did that come from when out steps this super cute guy. [3] He looks around and sees me.

"So…much…pink…" he stammers, holding his hands to eyes.

"Don't worry" I say, cuz' I know he's worried he's gonna explode cuz' I'm so cute. "You won't explode. The most guys ever do is faint, although girls throw up sometimes. Ooh! What's in here?" [4]

I go in the box, and it's bigger on the inside!

"OMG it's bigger on the inside! That's sooooooo cool! Hey, what's your name anyway? I'll just call you Alejandro."

"Explode?" He mutters. "Explode, explode, explode … what kind of alien would make you explode? And one that's pink too… Oh! Don't touch that!"

He looks worried but he doesn't need to be. I'm a pro at using my phone, my iPod, MySpace, and Facebook, so that must mean I'm good at all technological stuff, right? Then I smartly hit some buttons and pull a lever cuz' I wanna see what they do. [5]

"What did you do?" Screams Alejandro, "Get away from the TARDIS console!" He was obviously a little envious that I was better at hitting buttons than him. Then the box starts to move! OMG I'm so smart I can make weird boxes move around!

"Hang on Alejandro!" I shout sexily. [6]

"My name isn't Alejandro!" Alejandro shouts back, and then starts hitting some more buttons. "And if you don't mind me asking, where are you from? I was aiming for Earth, but obviously I got a little off course…"

"LOL! You're almost as funny as you are cute Alejandro! My beauty is rather other-worldly though, don't you think?" I reply, cuz' I know he's just joking. Of course his name is Alejandro! Now the box stops moving, so I walk to the TARDIS door. [7] When I look out, I'm on a different planet! And get this: the planet is all pink!"

"OH MY GAWD!11 This planet is so pretty! So pink! So… deserted." I say the last line really hotly cuz' it's part one of my plan to seduce Alejandro. [8] He narrows his eyes.

"Now look here…"

"Marissa Susan, but you can call me Mary Sue." I breathe into his ear, sexily.

"Now look here Mary Sue. I don't know how you managed to strand us on this ghastly planet, but you did and you broke something in the process, so I want you to go sit in that corner, and touch NOTHING until I fix my ship and can take you home. Wherever that is…"

Oooh, he's playing angry.

"Yes Alejandro." I purr and bounce over to my corner, making sure to give him a full view of my legs.

"And stop calling me Alejandro! My name is the Doctor." He snaps, but I know it's just a part of his act. But then he does something really weird. Instead of coming over to give me my bad girl 'lecture', he actually starts messing around with some wires! Hmm… this is going to be trickier than I thought. Time to put Step #2 into action.

"Alejandro!" I call. He ignores me. I sigh. [9] "DOCTOR Alejandro." I call again. He pokes his head up from the floor. He drops his laser pointer thing [10] and his eyes widen with shock.

"You're n… n… na…" he stammers.

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**A/N:** Ha! A cliffhanger! I just got back from vacation, so this was typed on my dad's laptop on the ride from Utah to Minnesota. The 20-hour-drive-all-night-ride from Utah to Minnesota. This is my excuse for all spelling and grammar errors Hinn doesn't catch. Anyway, please review! I could use any hints you have to "improve" this story for part 2, along with anything else you have to say. By the way, if you want to see chapter 14 of My Immortal read aloud by a hot Goth guy who looks a TON like Mat Smith with black hair click here: http:/ www. youtube. Com /watch ?v= Zh_krrr0bRA :D (Don't forget to remove all of the spaces for both links).

XOXO

Eleni C

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[1] Classic Mary Sue trait #1: written in first person present tense

[2] Classic Mary Sue trait #2: super pretty with a horrible background

[3] Classic Mary Sue trait #3: valley girl talk

[4] Classic Mary Sue trait #4: short attention span

[5] Classic Mary Sue trait #5: good at everything. Or at least they think they are

[6] Classic Mary Sue trait #6: using words that end in 'ly'

[7] Classic Mary Sue trait #7: unexplained gain of knowledge, possession, etc. such as 'box' to 'TARDIS'

[8] Classic Mary Sue trait #8: sex addict and/or slut

[9] Classic Mary Sue trait #9: simple sentences when not describing clothes/looks

[10] Classic Mary Sue trait #10: minimal knowledge of show/book/etc.


	6. Marissa Susan part 2

**The Tragically Short and Incredibly Shallow Life of Marissa Susan Part II**

**A/N:**** From Eleni C productions, I'm happy to present The Tragically Short and Incredibly Shallow Life of Marissa Susan Part II! **

**Disclaimer**: Woo! I'm on a roll! I remembered to put up a disclaimer 2 times in a row! Take that, Hinn! :)

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_"You're n… n… na…_ NAILING THINGS TO THE TARDIS WALL?" (**A/N:** Haha, you thought she was going to be naked! Or at least that was my first thought as to the details of part 2… XD)

"Yup." I reply. The handy girl act gets them every time. Sure enough, he pushes me to the ground.

"Oh Alejandro." I breathe sexily. But he rushes past me and starts talking to the wall!

"I'm so sorry, love!" He cries. "Here, let me take those nails out. Don't worry, old girl, I'll have her back on her home planet in no time at all. I've never seen such a blatant disrespect of such a beautiful thing as you! Well, there was that one time in Paris with the Eiffel Tower and the over-ambitious advertising firm, but that's beside the point."

He keeps on talking to the wall about vandalism and kids in the 21st century, completely ignoring me! Most girls would've given up at this point, but not me. My sexy, cutie, and smarty acts have all failed, so it's time to get serious.

"Now look here, buddy-" I start, but he cuts me off.

"No, you look here-" he replies.

"No you look here!"

"No you look here!"

"No you look here!"

"SHUT UP!" he roars.

"Touchy" I mutter to myself.

"Now listen here." He pauses, but I don't say anything that last comment was out of line. "You've just driven metal spikes into the already-injured last TARDIS in the universe. _My_ TARDIS. Now, I want you to go sit outside, a good 25 feet from her, and wait for me." I just stare off into the middle distance. I'm pulling my very last and very best card. The silent treatment. If this doesn't get him, nothing will!

"Come on, Mary Sue, out of the TARDIS." No response. "Marissa, I need you to leave." Nothing. "Mary, can you hear me?" Zilch. "Hello, anybody home?" Zero. "OK then, I guess I'll just throw your purse into the engine for fuel."

"Wait! That's a designer bag!" I cry. He sighs.

"Come on, let's go." And we walk outside. All of a sudden, the door slams shut behind us. Alejandro spins around and tries to re-open the doors.

"That must've been the wind. But there is no wind." The ship makes a humming noise. "What do you mean you've locked us out? … Well of course I know the meaning of locked out, but that doesn't make any sense … Hey! I didn't ask for her to come along! … Yes dear, I know she's a bit silly, but- … well I think 'complete numbskull' is a tad harsh ... No! Where on Galifray did you get that idea? How could I prefer her over you? … Well of course she fancies me, I'm gorgeous! … Fine! Be that way! I'll drop her off at the next stop … No 'next stop' if I don't get rid of her now? But we could be hundreds of miles away from the nearest city! …" He turns to look at the gigantic pink building marked MALL 100 meters or so to our left. "Well I didn't see it, OK?" He shouts at the blue box, which looks out of place in a world of pink. But I'm tired of standing around waiting for him to finish talking to himself, so I head to the mall.

"Wait! Mary Sue!" He calls, but I ignore him. I've had enough of his rejection, I'm going shopping. He catches up to me.

"Mary Sue, we don't have time to go shopping. Just tell me where you're from and I can take you home!"

"I'm from London, and I'm going shopping." I reply shortly, cuz' I'm still mad at him for telling me to shut up and trying to destroy my purse. He stops.

"Seriously? You're from earth? Wow, didn't see that one coming. Now if you'll just-" but he stops, cuz' we've just entered the mall, and … everyone is wearing pink! They all suddenly become quiet and start whispering to each other. Obviously they can tell I'm new in town. A few girls walk towards us.

"Oh. My. Gawd. I LUV ur shirt!" One exclaims sexily.

"OMG, what did you do with ur hair? It's, like, f***ing awesome!" another says happily.

"Umm… excuse me." Alejandro says "But could you tell us where we are?"

"Sure!" They reply "You're on the planet of the Mary Sues."

"HOMG Mary Sue is my nickname! Is that, like, freaky or what?" I say

"Same here!" They all respond, all looking completely shocked at this fact.

"What?" Alejandro looks confused. "The planet of the Mary Sues?"

"Yeah." One girl responds, popping her bubblegum. "Some dude from this company called Fan Fiction made this planet for all girls whose names are Mary Sue. He told us that we were accidently killing people's brain cells with our awesomeness, and that if we moved here, he'd pay all our credit card bills! We can spend as much as we like, and he never gets mad or anything!"

After that, Mary Sue #267 said that I fainted. When I woke up, Alejandro was gone, but he'd left a note. It said _Mary Sue, you've found your true home, and I think you'll be happy here. Your new credit card is in your purse. Well, have a good life. –The Doctor._ But unfortunately, the others told me, he's died shortly after he finished the letter saying something about to many dead brain cells, but they were going to try CPR now. I looked on as they repeatedly hit him on his perfect chest. A tear rolled down my cheek. I'd never gotten to say goodbye to my one true love. But suddenly, he sat up.

"Hello everyone!" He said happily. "My name is Gary Stu. What about you?"

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**A/N:** You have no idea how hard it was to write this. I had a million and two plot bunnies running around in my head, but I made myself write this. In fact, the bunnies were being so annoying, I actually wrote this during the day, which I don't often do. (I usually write under my covers with a flashlight when I'm supposed to be sleeping.) I know this wasn't the best thing I've ever written, but please review anyway!

Love and Monsters (that was a really weird episode…),

Eleni C


	7. Indecision

Indecision

A/N: I am SO sick of stories Amy/11 stories! I still like the pairing, although not as much as I used to after watching the Big Bang, but the stories written for them are just really crappy! They always have Rory suddenly become violent and start to abuse Amy, or they have her just randomly leave him. But I've also seen quite a few where Amy is in an affair with the Doctor. "I love them both!" she proclaims. Well now she has to choose. *evil grin* For Nixieandtheyak.

Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who :'(

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"Ummmm… Amy? Why exactly are we here again?" The Doctor inquired. Rory chimed in.

"Where is here anyway?"

"What is it with you two and stupid questions?" Amy replied. "I already told you: we're here because it seems like a dramatic location, and I want to be somewhere dramatic when I make my decision."

"What decision?" asked Rory, who most definitely hadn't heard any of this before.

"Just shut up! I'll tell you in a minute. Now stay here!" She ordered, and then ran back into the TARDIS. Minutes later she returned, dragging a large whiteboard out on to the barren cliff overlooking the sea.

"All righty then, let's get to it!" Amy shouted over the roaring wind "We're here today because I can't decide-"

"Whether you should live or die, oh you'll-"

"DOCTOR! I was talking!"

"Right. Sorry. Carry on." The Doctor smiled sheepishly. Damn Master had played that song constantly in the Year-That-Never-Was. He'd danced around the ship, belting out the lyrics at the top of his less-than-perfect voice. Needless to say, the song had somewhat ingrained itself into his brain.

"No random flashback either!" Amy yelled

"OK! I'm sorry!" the Doctor yelled back.

"Good. Now where was I? Oh yes, we're here today because I can't decide…" she paused, but the Doctor remained silent "Which one of you I'm actually in love with."

"What? We've been married for 3 months!" Rory exclaimed.

"And I've decided to do it by using the Twilight Saga!" Amy continued brightly, ignoring her indignant husband.

"Oh, I adore Twilight!" The Doctor gushed "but the movies were complete rubbish. Jacob made them worth seeing, but the acting was- hey wait a second. What do you mean which one of us you're actually in love with?"

"Exactly what I said, smart one. I'll determine which one of you I'm actually in love with by comparing you to Jacob and Edward!" Amy responded.

"But Amy, I waited a thousand years for you to wake up, to come back to life! How could you leave me now?" Rory cried.

"Right." She scrawled _hopelessly devoted_ under Rory's name on the whiteboard. "Good job Rory, you've earned yourself a Jacob point!"

"So you're Team Jacob?" questioned the Doctor, not very surprised.

"Of course I am," responded Amy, not looking away from the whiteboard.

"I'm your husband! Why do I need Jacob points?" Rory added, indignant.

"Ooooh, I married you. Tough luck, that's an Edward point. And the Doctor gets a Jacob point for showing up unexpectedly at the wedding."

"Wait, Amy, you do remember I'm an alien right? Two hearts? Not to mention I'm hundreds of years old."

"Old. Mythical being." Amy muttered as she wrote under the Doctor's column. "Two Edward points for the Doctor."

"I look good with my shirt off!" Rory called.

"Meh." Amy responded. "You're awfully pale I think that's gonna be an Edward."

"Amy, I think you're missing the point: I just like you as a friend! I'm destined for someone else!"

"Destined for River/Renesme. Now you're at two points for each Doctor." Amy stated, smirking.

"I used to have long hair, but I cut it for you!" Rory called desperately.

"That was a hallucination, it doesn't count. And how do you know so much about Twilight anyway?" Amy inquired suspiciously. Rory began to get red in the face.

"I'm sick of your games, Amy. I love you more than anything or anyone in the universe possibly could, and you're toying around with me? For God's sake, the Doctor doesn't even like you like that, and you're willing to give me up because he might be more like a fictional werewolf than me?"

"I like Amy plenty!" the Doctor called out indignantly, and then went back to writing River's name in the sand.

"See?" Amy replied. "He does like me!" Rory gave a cry of frustration and pushed the whiteboard off the cliff. Unfortunately, the rolling list caught the unsuspecting Time Lord square in the chest, sending him toppling over the edge.

"Oh my God!" Rory cried, and sprinted towards where the Doctor fell.

"You killed Jacob!" Amy screamed. "Die, Edward, die!" and proceeded to push him to his demise. After a second or two of contemplation, Amy stomped her foot.

"Shit! I turned out just like that poser Bella! I fucked up my chances with both my men! Oh well, a little late for regret. Let's see, who's left in the series? Jasper, Emmet, and Carlisle are taken, Charlie's my dad, none of the other werewolves are hot, and the rest of the vamps aren't vegetarian. So who does that leave?" She paused, and then clapped her hands. "Mike Newton! Of course! I can be team Marshmallow! But who would that be?"

_I can take you to your Marshmallow_ said a voice in Amy's head.

"Oh, you must be the TARDIS." Amy said. "But who is he?"

_Someone you've met once before. Now come along, child._

"All right!" Amy responded brightly, Rory and the Doctor already forgotten. "But who are you in the series? Maybe Alice? Esme? Rosalie? But none of those seem quite right…" she continued jabbering as the TARDIS landed. The doors swung open to a large dark room. Amy ventured out.

"TARDIS, where is Mike?" she inquired. The doors slammed shut behind her.

_He should be here any second now. Oh, and as to my name, you may consider me Victoria._ The TARDIS laughed as she began to vanish. _That was for my Doctor…_

Then there was a silence. Amy couldn't believe it. She'd been betrayed. She didn't even have Mike with her! Or so she thought.

"Amy? What are you doing here?" said Angel Bob's voice in the dark.

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A/N: Hee-hee. I'm team Angel Bob. I know Amy was OOC in this story, but I had to have her that way to really get my point across. Maybe not exactly what you'd intended, Nixieandtheyak, but close enough, right? Oh, and my school is starting soon, so I won't able to update as often. Never fear though, I should have it done by Halloween if all goes as planned. Not that anything ever goes according to plan. :D

Till next week my darlings,

Eleni C


	8. iPod Shuffle Challenge

**iPod Shuffle Challenge**

**A/N:** *scratches back of head* yeah… so I haven't updated in a while. I just had school and tennis and play practice and homework and watching Doctor Who episodes and yeah. I know it's a sucky excuse, but it's all I've got. Anyway, here it goes.

**Disclaimer:** It's probably a good thing I don't own Doctor Who, seeing how good I am with deadlines.

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**Bad Romance- Lady GaGa**

Jack and the Doctor had been enjoying a game of cards when a song began to play quietly in the background. The Doctor looked quizzically at Jack.

"Not me!" he protested before the pair vanished in a flash of light.

"Oh, not again." Jack groaned, looking down at himself. The Doctor just yelped and ran behind a pillar, naked.

"What did you do with my clothing?" The Doctor shouted angrily at Jack.

"Hey, that wasn't me, it was the story!"

"What the fuck are you talking about?" the Doctor yelled, so angry he broke his rule about language.

"It's an iPod shuffle challenge." Jack explained patiently "Lady GaGa is playing, thus, the author decided to take away our shirts and trousers. Oh, by the way, I like your boxers. Converse. Very you.

**Hey Soul Sister- Train**

"Doctor, whatever you do, don't turn your head or roll over."

"What's going on Jack? Why can't I roll over? Wait, why am I in a bed? And why don't I have my shirt back?"

"Just… keep looking at the wall."

"Jack, tell me what's going on."

"Listen to the song."

_Your sweet moving. The smell of you in every single dream I dream._

"OH MY GOD!"

**Blue (Da Ba Dee)- Eiffel 65**

The Doctor sat huddled in a corner, shaking.

"Scarred… for… life…" he whispered.

"Oh come on, Doc. It's not like anything happened.

"So… depressed…"

"It's just a story. They can't actually force us to do anything; just put us in awkward situations."

"Need… brain bleach…"

"You didn't even see anything! You fell off the bed after you figured out what was going on!"

"Mind bleach… and bananas… lots and lots of bananas…" Jack sighed. The Doctor could be awfully difficult sometimes. It was time to put some reverse psychology into use.

"You know Doctor; you're kinda sexy when you're sad." In an instant, the Doctor was on his feet with an exaggerated smile on his face.

"Great! Where to next! Boy, I'm so very very happy all of a sudden!"

**Love Song- Sara Bareilles**

"No." The Doctor said flatly. "Just, no."

"Ah, come on Doc, I kinda like it." Jack replied playfully. "I mean, look at that view. You can't beat Paris at night."

"You know what I mean, Jack. Some arse decided to put us in a romantic dinner scene the instant the saw the title of the song! I mean, are they even listening to the lyrics? What does a defiant songwriter have to do with Paris at night?"

"Ooh, Look! Nibbles!" Jack exclaimed. The Doctor just banged his head on the table.

**Exterminate, Regenerate- Chameleon Circuit**

"All right, so where are we now?" The Doctor asked. So far it didn't seem romantic, which was good with him. "The intro sounds familiar, but I just can't place it."

"Hmmm…" Jack replied. "You're right. I've definitely heard the song before somewhere."

_It's been such a long time since I met you back on Skaro…_

Jack paled. "Oh shit."

"Oh shit." The Doctor agreed. Then they spent the next 3 ¾ minutes running away from Daleks.

**One- Apocalyptica **

"… Jack?"

"I'm here Doctor."

"But where is here?" Both men could see nothing but a huge, white wall stretching off into the distance.

"It appears we've reached an instrumental piece." Jack responded

"So?"

"There's nothing to write about, no ideas. In other words, we've hit *dun dun dun* WRITER'S BLOCK!"

**Tik Tok-Ke$ha** (Note from Hinn: I think that's spelled wrong) (Eleni agrees. Ke$sha needs to go back to second grade. It was her brother who put the song on her iPod.)

"No no no no no no no no…" the Doctor moaned. "God have mercy and kill me now."

"You're right; this author has gone too far." Jack agreed in disgust. The Doctor glanced at him, startled.

"You actually agree with me? I thought you'd love this!"

"Hell no," Jack denied vehemently "I mean, a yellow pedicure? I look 20 times better in red. And a silver dress when there's that gorgeous blue evening gown over there? Give me a break."

The Doctor considered banging his head on a nearby table, but decided against it. His head hurt too much from last time.

**Dynamite- Taio Cruz**

The Doctor breathed a sigh of relief. No more dresses, Daleks, or candle-lit dinners. Just a nice, simple, club.

Jack looked over at his companion. He appeared to be relieved about their current setting. And rightfully so. Green tank tops definitely weren't the Doctor's best look. But what was he doing now? Was he having some kind of fit? And why was he waving his arms around? Wait… no…

"Doctor? Are you… dancing?" Jack shouted over the music.

"Yup!" He happily replied. "I call it the Drunken Giraffe!"

**In My Head-Jason Der****ü****lo**

Jack was shocked. The Doctor was doing all sorts of crazy things today. First dancing (If you could call it that) and now this. The story must be messing with his head, cuz' there could be no other explanation for this. The Doctor was just starting off into space-if the song was to be believed- fantasizing. This was just too weird. He should probably poke him. After all, it wasn't something the Doctor would do, right? Or at least when other people were around. Hmm… maybe he should just let him be. But what if-

"Jack?" the Doctor said, still string off into the distance.

"Yeah Doc?" Jack replied, a little guiltily.

"Could you please stop staring at me during this song?"

**Before He Cheats-Carrie Underwood**

The Doctor and Jack found themselves in a noisy room, with some unrecognizable song playing loudly.

"Hey, it's a pub scene!" Jack called. "There's always one of these when an author gets a song they don't know what to do with."

"Great! And this is number 10 too!" the Doctor screamed back.

"Come on, let's celebrate with a drink!" Jack replied. Just as they'd settled down with a couple of pints, the doors burst open, and the pub fell silent. A dark-haired man in a suit stood at the doorway. In the silence, Jack and the Doctor could hear the song playing quietly in the back of their heads.

"Hello honey." Jack said nervously to Ianto. The Doctor ran screaming out the door to his TARDIS, only to trip on a brick and break his neck on the way out.

"What was up with him?" asked Ianto

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**A/N:** In case you didn't catch on, that was a parody of an iPod Shuffle Challenge. Remember when that was happening about every 3 fics? Well, the idea for this fic was conceived during that time period. I didn't actually follow the challenge in that I didn't write them in the time it took for the song to play, but these songs are all from my iPod. I tried to choose songs most people would know, but if there's one you haven't heard of, I heartily urge you to look it up on YouTube (Except Tik Tok and In My Head. Both my brother's fault). Pretty please review?

Xoxo

Eleni C

PS: I do suggestions! In fact, I'm begging you for suggestions! PLEASE! **PLEASE!**


	9. That's What She Said!

**A/N:** I've been reading some M rated fics recently due to sheer boredom (there are way too many bad 10/Rose fics on the regular ratings) and I began to notice a pattern. There are words that show up in nearly every story. So I decided to challenge myself to write a chapter with 15 of these words that's less than 500 words long. Oh, and did I mention it had to be G rated? XD The words are:

_Anticipation, cum, desperate, foreplay, gasp, huge, lick, moist, pert, roaming, scream, seed, soaking, tight, wet _

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Doctor Who.

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That's What She Said

The Doctor was skipping around the TARDIS console, **anticipation** gleaming in his eyes.

"Agh!" he **scream**ed "I just can't wait any longer! Why can't we skip to ten minutes in the future?"

"I already told you, some guests are arriving with vortex manipulators. If we move now, they'll show up and we won't be here." Amy explained "Plus, it was you who made us **cum** half an hour early." She added with a small grin on her face. The Doctor glanced at her.

"What's so funny? Is my bowtie crooked?" Upon receiving assurance that his bowtie was perfectly fine, he resumed **roaming** around the TARDIS.

_Why on Gallifrey did I do this to myself? On my own birthday, too! I knew that I hated waiting, but I had us show up early anyway. Rassilon, I can be stupid sometimes! Not often, of course, but- _The Doctor's musings were interrupted by the creaking of the TARDIS door.

"Guests!" He **gasp**ed, and sprinted to the door, only to smack into a **soaking** **wet** River Song.

"Really" she grumbled as she passed by "you decide to celebrate your thousandth birthday on a rainy day? Crazy alien…"

"I like the rain." He muttered to himself before following River into the dining room. It was a **tight** fit as the Doctor squeezed into a roomful of his friends. Jack, Martha, and even good ol' Wilf were among the crowd. And in the center of the table sat a **huge**…

"Carrot cake! I love carrot cake! How did you know? It's my favorite!" the Doctor exclaimed.

"River told us." Rory explained.

"We even grew the carrots from **seed**." Amy added, that same smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. But the Doctor wasn't paying any attention. He was staring at the **moist**, delicious, looking cake, a **desperate** look in his eyes. He glanced around the room, **lick**ed his lips, and reached out to grab a slice of the beloved dessert, only to have River smack his hand back.

"How very im-**pert**-inent of you, Doctor." Amy giggled "We can't eat cake be-**foreplay**-ing party games!"

"THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!" River and Martha shouted, and burst out laughing.

Have you ever thought you might die of embarrassment? Obviously for humans this is quite impossible, but under extreme social stress, a Time Lord has been known to accidently regenerate. And as the realization of all those horrible words that sound oh _so_ dirty out of context came crashing down on the Oncoming Storm, he fell over dead.

Poor, innocent Doctor.

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**A/N:** I'm so mean to the Doctor. XD Only 4 chapters to go, so send me suggestions!

Eleni C


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